


Life is But a Dream

by dreamsaremadeofthis, IvanW



Series: A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Conspiracy, F/M, Friendship, Grief, M/M, Mourning, Older Spirk, POV First Person, Shuttlecraft Accident, T'hy'la, Treason, True Sacrificial Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 08:26:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16807036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsaremadeofthis/pseuds/dreamsaremadeofthis, https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: The mission was supposed to be routine.First officer Spock served as mission commander, something he'd done dozens of times, more increasingly without Kirk being there. They made plans to complete their chess game when Spock and the others returned from the mission.Only they never returned.Captain Kirk was facing the no-win scenario he always dreaded and insisted he would not accept. Now for the first time, it seemed, he wasn't going to win this one. As the true meaning of his deeper, long held-in feelings for his Vulcan first officer became forefront in his mind and heart, it was too late.He faced unspeakable loss.But miracles can happen. Kirk made them happen himself over and over.When he learns Spock isn't lost forever—at least he is not dead—but instead has a wife and child, Kirk realizes he must bury his love for Spock forever.





	1. Radioactive Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> This work was previously published and deleted. It is being restored to complete the series.  
> Can be read as a standalone,  
> The vast majority of this story was written by ivanw, with my gratitude-- _dreamsaremadeofthis_

_How the hell am I supposed to do this?_

I was standing before my dressing mirror, in the captain’s personal cabin aboard the Enterprise. Fists clenched at my side, fingernails digging in and out of the skin. I was blindly staring—almost pitying—the tormented soul who now stared back at me—the one with all the creases around his eyes, the furrows between his brows. The eyes that even now— _especially now—_ blurred with tears he fought valiantly but failed to hold back.

Is that who I was now? Is _he_ all that remains of the real me?

The last year had been a shit storm of misery. I didn’t sign up for this.

Well, I did sign up, but not for _this_. I’ve lost crewmembers before. I’ve lost some of the _best_ crewmembers before. But I didn’t sign up to lose my first officer—my...best friend. Not Spock. _Never_ Spock.

How different would this day be had I not sent him on that mission to M547? And that’s just _one_ thing I could have changed. There are a million steps between receiving our mission assignment and submitting final reports. If I had changed just one of those steps, would I be standing before this full-length mirror, making final adjustments to my dress uniform, for this ceremony? If I’d just done one thing differently, could I still be standing here, but for a completely different purpose?

Maybe it was short-sighted of me to enter my captain’s log with so little concern:

_Captain’s Log, Stardate Twelve Three Twenty-Two Point One. We are orbiting an M-class planet known as 547, uninhabited and currently experiencing undefined pulsing energy bursts at one hundred twenty-nine locations scattered across the surface. Mister Spock is in command of our current mission: travel by shuttlecraft to the planet’s surface near one of the radiation sites and take extensive readings to determine their cause. Lieutenants Aliyev, Randall, Rasulov and Saunders will round out the team. They have been outfitted with radiation-protective gear. Our mission is considered routine._

And it was routine. Right up to the point it wasn’t, and all hell, literally, broke loose.

I entered the turbolift to find that it was already occupied with Mister Spock.

“Captain.” He nodded.

“Headed for the shuttlecraft bay?”

“Indeed.” He stood with his hands clenched behind his back, at once relaxed and alert all at the same time as only he seemed capable of.

“Assembled your team?”

“Yes, Captain. Lieutenants Aliyev, Randall, Rasulov and Saunders await me in the bay.”

I smirked. “Saunders.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. “Do you object to Lieutenant Saunders, Captain?”

I did not, of course. But I was also aware that Anne Saunders had something of a very noticeable crush on my Vulcan first officer. Oh, it was not noticeable to Spock. Not at all. And perhaps not to others. But to me?

There was a biblical verse that went,

_How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye._

I could not help but think it somehow applied here.

Saunders.

“She’s a very competent officer. Good choice for the mission,” I said, because it would be…inappropriate to say anything else.

The turbolift doors opened up to the deck I had chosen, so I moved to step out.

“I’ll want a full report when you return.”

“Of course, Captain.”

“And maybe later, we can get back to that chess game that got interrupted the other day.”

“Indeed, Captain.”

I turned and headed down the corridor toward sickbay as the doors closed behind me.

The sickbay doors opened as I approached, and I headed to where Bones stood holding up a PADD as he surveyed an ensign on a biobed.

“You wanted to see me?”

“You can go, Ensign,” Bones told the pimply faced young man.

Bones led me away from the ensign and over to the side of the sickbay. “It’s time for your yearly physical.”

“Didn’t I just have that?”

“Last year, Jim. That’s why they call it yearly. Annual.”

I frowned. “Schedule it for next week or something. You want to have lunch before I head back to the bridge?”

“All right.”

We made our way to the mess and I chose a ham sandwich and coffee while Bones chose a grilled chicken breast.

“That’s another thing, Jim,” Bones said as we sat down to eat. “The crew’s due for another shore leave.”

“Is there a problem?”

“Stress levels are high. Tempers too. I’ve had more careless, dumb injuries too.”

I chewed my sandwich. “I’ll talk to the fleet.”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

I rose and went to the com on the wall. “Kirk here.”

“Captain, the planet surface—”

“What is it, Uhura?”

“Some fluctuations, sir. Communications have been going in and out.”

“I’m on my way.” I returned to the table and took another bite of my sandwich. “Duty calls.”

As I entered the bridge, I called out, “Status report.”

Uhura gave me a little shrug. “Sorry, Captain. Everything seems to be fine now. Communication has been reestablished. And everything’s fine with the party.” She appeared contrite for having bothered me.

I smiled reassuringly. “Good news.” I headed for my chair, taking my seat. I picked up my PADD and began to go over routine business.

It was not our practice to monitor communications among the Galileo crew on their descent. Such investigative trips were commonplace.

According to the helmsman, Mister Sulu, who was monitoring the Galileo’s flight status and equipment to stay on top of any problems, the landing was by-the-book. The crew were busy with their tricorders, taking readings of the surrounding area, including RM’s, spectrometry, spectroscopy, and ESR behavior analysis. Everything was routine.

“Captain…”

“Yes, Mister Sulu?”

“I-I’m getting a burst of radiation on M547, sir. It just…came on suddenly. Without warning.”

“Let’s hear.”

Sulu made a few adjustments but then, all we could pick up was static. The radio silence was eerie. 

“Put me through to Galileo, Uhura.” 

“Aye, Captain. Go ahead.” 

“Spock! Spock! Can you hear me? Spock – report.” 

“Captain, the comm is dead. There is no answer.” Sulu spoke, hiding the shock from his voice. 

“Spock! We're not receiving. Report now! Uhura, up the gain. There’s got to be something we can pick up. And keep hailing on all frequencies. We need to know what’s happening.” 

“Enterprise to Galileo. Enterprise to Galileo. Come in, Galileo.” Uhura repeated her standard emergency transmission.

After repeated attempts failed to pick up any of the crew, I ordered, keeping myself as calm as I could under the circumstances, "That’s enough, Uhura. Sulu, scan the entire area for life.” 

“Scanning now, sir. Nothing within one hundred square meters. Broadening search….no life-sign readings or signatures. Expanding search to ten thousand square meters.” Sulu was highly trained to keep his voice and facial expressions under control during a crisis.

“Captain, there is…nothing. Scanners detect no lifeforms nor life signs.” 

“Uhura, full power boost to comms and report.” 

“Nothing, sir. We received nothing originally but static, and even that has disappeared now. The landing party is not broadcasting, nor can we establish contact with their personal communicators. Sir, it's as though their devices have been destroyed. It's dead silence, captain."

I fell back in my chair, my gut churning.

It could not be. It would not be.

I heard the bridge doors open and close just before Bones approached me.

“Jim, what’s going on?”

“Not now, Bones.” 


	2. Lost Dreams

“Like hell, Jim. I’ve never seen you like this. What’s happened?” 

Bones wouldn’t budge, but I damned sure didn’t have time to argue, so I ignored him. 

“Security. Organize volunteers for a search party to beam down STAT to the planet and find our mission team. Full heavy-duty protective gear, and take five extra suits with you. The situation down there is highly volatile. I want answers now! Every passing second endangers them more. Kirk out.” I bruised my hand punching the comm button on my chair arm so hard, as though that would help bring him...bring my team back sooner. 

“Captain, Scott ‘ere. I have four volunteers and we’re almost to the transporter room. I’m overseeing their beam down myself. I’ll get them there safely.” 

“Thank you, Mr. Scott. Lives depend on it.” I took a moment to calm myself again, leaning my head into my hands, massaging my temples.

Within four minutes flat, the search party checked in. Obviously, these volunteers were the best of the best, as were all who served on the Enterprise. 

“Search party to Captain Kirk. De Campo here.” 

“Go ahead, De Campo. Report. What do you see?”

“Captain, I regret to inform you that we have discovered the remains of the five Galileo crewmembers. Sir, they…they never stood a chance.” In spite of his extensive search and rescue training, I heard De Campo’s voice break. “Sir, it looks like the radiation flare-up incinerated them on the spot. Lieutenants Grey and Nasato are working to confirm the DNA, but the chances look pretty grim. Captain, can you scan our area for the shuttlecraft? We’re not seeing it on location.” 

“Mister Sulu, can you give De Campo a fresh reading?”

“Captain, I can’t explain it, but our scanners are not picking up any trace of the Galileo. There are no indications of interference from the radiation, but as far as our readings indicate, the ship simply isn’t on the planet.” Sulu’s face had turned ashen. 

“Captain, De Campo again. Sir, we have confirmation that the remains are indeed those of the mission team. And Captain, Lieutenant Pierce just located the Galileo. It was also practically destroyed by the blast. What's left of the hull is highly irradiated. Very dangerous. Nothing here will be recoverable.” 

“Lieutenant, can you recover the bodies and bring them home?” 

“Negative, captain. The area is too highly charged. RM’s are off the chart, sir. Our own suits indicate catastrophic failure from radiation overload within nine point three minutes.”

For a moment all I could do was stare straight ahead at the viewscreen. I was aware of the thundering of my heart, the sweatiness of my palms.

 _Spock_.

So many times one or the other of us had been close to death, but somehow, we’d always pulled out of it. Pulled _each other_ out of it. And now I sat there helpless. Hopeless.

“If I beam down—”

“You heard what De Campo said, Jim,” Bones said, his voice harsh, even though his face was gentle, concerned. “It’s dangerous even for them to be down there. And they’re gone. There’s not a damn thing you can do.”

I knew Bones was right. _I knew it_.

“This was a routine mission,” I muttered under my breath. I was clenching my fists now, my short blunt nails digging into the flesh of my palms. But I felt no physical pain. I was numb.

“Jim, maybe you should come with me.”

They’d have to carry my dead body off the bridge, because that was the only way I’d leave this chair. I didn’t even respond to him.

I rubbed my hand over my jaw and hit the com. “Scotty, bring those men back onboard.”

“Aye, sir.”

I turned to look at Spock’s station. The pain in my gut was almost unbearable. But it was nothing compared to what my heart felt.

A routine mission shouldn’t have ended up this way.

Bones put his hand on my shoulder and I shrugged him off as I rose from the captain’s chair and walked over to Spock’s station. I don’t know why but I looked in the viewscreen there.

What did I expect to find? I couldn’t say.

But Spock was gone.

And I had no idea what to do about it.

My hands grasped the back of Spock’s chair, as I hung my head, trying to not lose my composure. I was the captain. I was _his_ captain. 

I was… _his._

I turned back around and saw every eye on the bridge fixed on me, their faces in various stages of grief. I heard weeping and small, muffled sobs, faces stunned and staring or covered with hands, as the realization hit us as a family. We had lost our comrade. Our first officer. Our Vulcan hero. 

There wasn’t a crewmember on that bridge who didn’t owe their life to Spock, many times over. 

Professionalism be damned. There would be no orders to hold back anything today. 

This was a tremendous loss for the Enterprise—for this bridge crew. We had served together now for over eight years, and Spock had been my first officer from the first day I received my commission as her captain. One solitary shudder ran through me at the realization of what Spock’s loss was to me personally. 

_I loved him._

As I stood there, looking past their faces toward the viewscreen, dazed and almost detached from everything around me, I knew they were looking to me to say…something. I was still _their_ captain. I was still here. 

Why was that, by the way? Why was I still here? Why didn’t I go with him down to the planet? Maybe I could have done something. _Something_. Maybe I could have saved him. Saved them. Why didn’t I go? I had pulled rank and evoked captain’s privilege more times than not, accompanying landing parties on their missions all the time, for years. I no longer could count how many times that by doing so, I had been able to save Spock from harm, and at least that many times, he had pulled my ass out of the fire. 

Had I gone today, Spock might still be alive, standing in this very spot I now occupied. 

Damn me. He might have died because I wasn’t there to stop it. 

I looked down at the deck where he had walked many times, approaching my chair to lend support or offer advice when we encountered trouble. I fought to get a grip on myself for at least a few moments longer. I had duties to perform. Even though I was practically paralyzed by my own grief, I _had_ signed up for this. I tore my attention away from the screen and returned it back to the crew.

“My friends,” I began. And then immediately had to stop because I couldn’t breathe. I had to get control, as I looked out across their brave faces, while I…felt like a coward. 

“We have all suffered a terrible loss here today. Starfleet has lost one of its finest, most highly decorated and distinguished officers. Vulcan has lost one of its most honored native sons. And we who served with him here and were honored to know this gentle being of dignity and decency, will long suffer his loss. I share with you the highest esteem and regard in which we hold Commander Spock. He was one of the finest individuals I have ever known.” 

I had to pause again. Just a few more words. I must carry out my duty without breaking down. I painfully, tightly clenched every muscle in my body, demanding it submit to the requirements of my rank.

“Of one thing I am certain. Commander Spock was honored to serve with you. And he would want us to carry on in the finest tradition of the ‘fleet. As our friend, Spock, would say, 'I grieve with thee.'"

I was not even aware of the tears that rolled down my face. I had no idea what to do next.

Then Bones put his hand on my shoulder. “Why don’t you come with me, Jim? Scotty will take command.”

I noticed then that Scotty had come to the bridge. His face was grim and determined.

“Jim,” he said, soft, and hesitant.

I made myself nod. “I know. You have the con.”

I don’t know whether I followed Bones into the turbolift or let him take me to it, and in the end, what did it matter?

They all knew how important Spock was to me. Or they thought they did. Our deep friendship. Our camaraderie.

None of them really knew. Not even Bones, probably.

I’d barely acknowledged to myself. Perhaps a month ago I had realized that maybe the way my insides fluttered when he was near was not mere friendship.

I had my pick of lovers. That had never been a concern for me, right or wrong. I maintained my professionalism. And maybe that was why even after realizing how deep my feelings for Spock might go, I still held back.

I’d told myself that it was unrequited at least a dozen times. And when I wasn’t convincing myself of that, I assured myself there was plenty of time. When our mission was finished, then I could speak to Spock. Then I went back to Spock not sharing my feelings.

Hell, how many times had Bones said Spock didn’t even know what love was. I never believed that. And yet still I held back.

For what?

Now, it didn’t matter. I would never get the chance to tell Spock how I felt. Never know whether he might possibly feel the same.

Never.

“Jim, I’ll, uh, I’ll help you arrange a service.”

I stared at Bones. “What?”

“The crew, Jim.” His blue eyes were filled with sympathy. “They’ll expect a service for Spock. For all of them.”

Of course I knew that, so I nodded.

The turbolift opened on the officers’ deck.

“I’ll…be in my quarters.” I didn’t even look at Bones as I headed down the corridor. I entered my quarters and just stood there in the middle of them. I didn’t know what to do, what to say.

Starfleet would need to know. Spock’s parents. All of their families. But Sarek and Amanda, I’d met them. Knew them.

My gaze went to the bathroom that connected my quarters with Spock’s and almost before I knew it, I went through the door, through the bathroom, and into my first officer’s quarters.

“Lights…lights at twenty-five percent.” My throat was clogged with so much emotion, so much pain.

I walked over to his wardrobe. I’d never invade his privacy like this. Never. But now—

Taking the first blue tunic I found out of his wardrobe, I held it up to my face. I could smell him.

 _Spock_.

And it was not enough. It never would be again.

I turned abruptly and left his quarters for my own, feeling foolishly like I had invaded his space, even though he was no longer there.

But still I held his science blues in my hand.

I wept.


	3. Shattered Dreams

_Six Months Later_

I sat on the bridge as I did every day since…that day.

Life continued as it must. Mister Sulu had been promoted to Lieutenant Commander and was now my first officer. Over at the science station was Lieutenant Masterson. A good man.

I’d recently completed my Captain’s Log and now re-read it a dozen times. Nothing had changed, of course, so I submitted it and resisted the urge I continued to have to look at Spock at his station.

Masterson’s station.

Old habits died hard.

I inwardly winced at that word…died.

Humans had a tendency to survive anything. Or so it seemed to me. And so, in spite of the fact I had been going through the motions, life did indeed go on.

According to Bones, I was the worst for wear. My hair was grayer. I’d put on weight. I didn’t care what I was eating. As long it tasted good, I ate it. Lots of it. I had lines in my face I had not had before.

“Captain?”

“Yes, Uhura?”

“I’m getting some strange chatter, sir.”

I rose from my chair and went to her station. “Let me hear it.”

She pushed a button and put it on for me to listen to.

“Sir, it sounds like Klingon, but it’s so full of noise—”

“Can you improve the sound?”

“Working, sir.” She flipped a switch.

There was no mistaking the guttural Klingon.

“Captain,” Sulu spoke sharply from his station. “Proximity alert.”

“Onscreen.”

A Klingon Bird of Prey appeared on the viewscreen.

Ensign Chekov sucked in a breath. “Keptin, they’re firing.”

“Red alert. Shields up!”

The ship was hit hard, sending me off my feet. Before I could scramble to my feet, we were hit again.

“Where are those shields, Mister Chekov?”

“I’m trying, Keptin.”

“Hull breach on decks six, eight, nine, and twelve, sir,” Uhura declared.

“Keptin, the shields are inoperable.”

I scrambled to the com of my chair. “Scotty, what’s going on? Where are my shields?”

“I’m working on it, Captain.” He broke up with static. “Sabotage.”

“Scotty, I need those shields.”

“I’m giving it all she’s got.”

“We’re a sitting duck out here.”

Sulu turned toward me. “Captain, if they fire again—”

“Arm phasers and fire back.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Before Sulu could fire, I saw the Bird of Prey launch at us once more. I flew to the ground, my hip landing against a bar. Wincing in pain, I struggled to my feet once more.

“Hull breaches on decks four, ten, and thirteen as well, sir.” She turned toward him. “Sickbay…”

_Bones_.

I hit my com. “Kirk to McCoy. Bones? Bones, report.”

“McCoy here. What the hell, Jim?”

I closed my eyes briefly. “Good-good to hear from you.”

“Scott to bridge.”

“Go ahead, Scotty.”

“Shields are working, sir. But warp is out. I can switch to impulse power.”

“Do it. It’s our only chance to maybe get out of here. Sulu, as soon as we have impulse, take us out of here.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Sulu engaged, and we moved away from the Klingon ship.

I hoped they did not pursue. Was vaguely surprised they had not.

And barely surviving, limping out of there. We got away.

The Enterprise, however, like my first officer before her, was dead.

****

_Captain’s Log, Stardate_ 12748.7 _. After the near destruction of the Enterprise, my ship, we find ourselves on Star Base, Yorktown. The Enterprise was decimated, and the crew now finds ourselves temporarily reassigned to the Star Base, pending the repairs done to the ship. We’re down forty-seven of the finest men and women that ever served in Starfleet._

_For me, I am at something of a loss. I tell myself it’s only a temporary setback. And it is pretty here. But I can’t help but only feel at home on the Enterprise._

I thought about getting up and leaving the bar I was waiting at when finally I caught sight of Bones entering the establishment. He was dressed casually in denims and a blue worn out buttoned down shirt. We were both off duty.

“You’re late,” I said as he put his hand on my shoulder and took the stool next to me.

“Sorry about that. Last minute medical emergency.” He ordered a bourbon from the bartender.

“Anything I need to be concerned about?”

“Nah, it’s handled. An engineer got a nasty burn.”

I nodded, smiled vaguely, and took a sip of my drink.

“How are you holding up, Jim?”

“Fine. It’s only for a few months.”

“Yeah, I know. But it’s not only the Enterprise.”

“What else is there?” I wondered. Because there was nothing else. Not now.

“Spock.” He’d lowered his voice as he seemed to lately every time he brought up Spock.

“There is no Spock,” I replied softly. I had learned to ignore the pain in my head the way I ignored the pain my heart. Both seemed connected to Spock. To my feelings. That would always be unrequited. Unspoken.

“Maybe not physically,” Bones agreed. “But we both know he’s still there for you.”

“Let it go, Bones.”

“I know of your great affection for Spock—”

“I said let it go.”

“Will you deny that you were in love with Spock?”

Would I? Did any of it matter?

“Even if I was, so what?” I sighed. “I never told him, and he didn’t feel that way about me anyway.”

“Jim—”

“Bones, it’s over. And I don’t want to talk about it.”

He fell silent and finished his bourbon. “I think you should see someone.”

I shook my head. “I’m not interested in dating. Or anything like that.” I wasn’t even interested in sex. I’d had offers on Yorktown. Of course I’d had. And maybe in other circumstances I would have been interested.

Bones’ lowered his gaze. “That’s not what I mean.”

I snorted. “A psychiatrist? That’s what I have you for.”

“Yeah and I have some background in that, but I don’t know, Jim, I just wonder if I’m not too close to all of this. To you. To Spock. I hate to admit it, but, I…miss him too.”

“I know you do. The Klingon attack, all that, it just made everything so much worse. But I’ll get through it. We both will. We always do.”

Bones nodded, smiled a little. “Yeah, we do.”

I lifted my drink toward his. “I’ll always wonder what could have been and never was. To those forty-seven men and women.”

Bones clinked glasses with me.

“And to Spock.” I managed to say it without choking up. Progress.

“To Spock.”

We drank.

“Dinner?” Bones suggested

“Yeah, let’s go. I want a big steak, a baked potato with all the fixings and one of those big giant cookies with ice cream.”

“Jim.”

I looked at him. “What?”

He looked away as he slipped off his bar stool. “Nothing. Never mind. Just…dinner’s on me.”

And if we were haunted by a few ghosts, who could blame us?


	4. Pipe Dreams

“Captain Kirk.” She paused to smile at me. She put her hand on my leg, under the table. “May I call you Jim?”

I smirked a little. “That’s my name.”

She laughed like I’d told the funniest joke. The truth was I was bored. Those in charge of the Star Base had invited me to this party. I hadn’t wanted to go but it was strongly suggested that I do.

We’d been on Yorktown six months now and I was counting the days until the Enterprise would go out again. I’d been given an update that very morning. Three more months and the lady I loved more than anything now would be ready. I hoped those three months would pass faster than the first six had.

The woman sitting at the table with me, Delilah, was pretty. She was young and had long, beautiful curly brunette hair. Perhaps she was too young for me, I suspected she was, but in any case, though I did my best to flirt with her as she suspected I would, my heart wasn’t really in it.

I opened my mouth to say something else when I spotted a server passing by with a tray full of desserts.

“If you’ll excuse me.”

“What? But—”

I rose and went over to where the server had stopped with his tray and extracted a few especially delicious looking ones.

I could hear Bones’ voice in my head admonishing me about putting on more weight. And maybe I was. But once I got back to the Enterprise, I was sure both my weight and me would go back to normal.

As I turned away from the tray, I noticed the approach of Vice Admiral Nayyar. I looked for a way to exit without having to speak with him, but when I could see none without making it obvious, I waited for him.

“Captain, we have an urgent priority one communication for you from Outpost 8,” Nayyar said without preamble.

I frowned. “Outpost 8? What’s this about, Raj?”

Raj Nayyar put his hand on my shoulder. “Jim, the man who’s contacting you…he claims to be Commander Spock.”

Ice gripped my heart and squeezed. “Spock? That’s not possible.”

“I know but—”

Grimly, I nodded. “I’ll take care of this. Lead the way.”

I followed Nayyar to a private room and immediately sat down at the console.

I stared contemptuously at the imposter claiming to be my late first officer. He certainly resembled Spock, but I knew it was impossible. And looking at the face of Spock was almost too much to bear.

"Captain! It is I, Spock, along with Lieutenant Saunders. We are alive and on Outpost 8."

"I don't know who the fuck you are, or what kind of a sick prank this is, but I don't appreciate it, mister. Get off my com and don't call me again or I'll have you arrested!"

I went to hit the end of transmission, anger and renewed grief roiling in my gut.

“Wait, Jim! Test me! I can prove I am Spock. Ask me anything to which only you and I would know the answer.”

I stared at the man. He appeared to be Vulcan, but I knew from experience that there were those who could imitate other species easily enough. I’d come across shape shifters. I thought of Garth who’d been taught that very thing by the people of Anthos.

Others could be tricked but not me.

“All right, whoever you are. I’ll play your game for _one_ question. But you can be sure I am monitoring your location and hailing Commander Colby there to arrest you immediately if you hesitate even for a second to answer me truthfully.”

I had this bastard.

“Exactly how many chess games have I beat you?”

“Exactly one thousand, eight hundred, twenty-six, though due to your staunch refusal to concede number seven hundred fifty-two, we continue an ongoing dispute. And number one thousand, three hundred, fifty-seven was abandoned when we were interrupted by a surprise Romulan attack, resulting in our broken pieces being flung all over your quarters.” Spock paused. “Before I left on the shuttlecraft you mentioned to me in the lift that we still had a game to finish upon my return.”

I felt suddenly dizzy, blood rushed to my brain, my heart pounding hard and much too quickly in my chest. I could hear my own heartbeat as I stared at Spock.

 _Spock_.

My vision wavered, and I felt nauseous. “Securi—” I fell to the floor.

I woke up to Bones leaning over me, his face as white as I was sure mine was.

“Take it easy, Jim. Can you sit up?”

Bones helped me to an upright position.

“It’s okay. Spock’s alive. I don’t know how, but he really is.”

He began to scan me with his medical tricorder.

“You’re not injured, just received quite a jolt there.”

Bones put his arm around me and led me back to the chair in front of the console. I still felt out of sorts. As though I was trying to find my way in a fog.

But Spock…was alive.

“Spock! It’s really you.” Tears threatened. I tried to hold them back. “But we were assured by the recovery team that you didn't survive. I… _knew_ you were dead! Their report stated you were all killed by radiation on the planet. The team officially reported what little DNA remained of your charred bodies was the Galileo team and that it was too dangerous to attempt recovery of the remains. They returned to the ship and we were given orders to continue on to our next mission after the funeral.  
  
"Oh my God, Spock. We had a funeral. Then we left and M547 was reclassified as quarantined, all travel there prohibited."

Spock leaned forward a little. “Captain, our communicators were working properly, and we signaled the Enterprise many times, never receiving any reply other than static. Our repeated attempts at contact proved futile. Were your communications down?”

“Not at all, Spock. Everything on the ship was functioning properly. That means somehow your communications must have been jammed. But...by whom? How? Scanners showed nobody else within a million kilometer range of M547. If you were jammed without detection...that's technology Starfleet doesn't even know exists.

"But no, the Enterprise was not affected at all by the planet’s radiation bursts.”

Suddenly my whole body turned to ice and then I was filled with rage as the ramifications of all that I had learned occurred to me.

“Lieutenant Samuels,” I yelled at the security team leader who had apparently entered the room with Bones. “Put all of Yorktown on security Red Alert immediately! Lock her down completely—nobody in or out —and get me Lieutenant Commander Scott now!”

Samuels left to do as I ordered, and then Scotty came over the com.

“Aye, Captain. Scott here."

“Scotty, we need to locate and apprehend Lieutenants Pierce, De Campo, Grey, and Nasato. Throw them in separate cells till I get there for questioning. They are obviously armed, but I just learned how dangerous they really are. Have them arrested on charges of attempted murder.”

“Aye, captain. We’ll put our best men on it.” Scotty replied. “Who did they try to kill, sir?”

“Scotty—they falsified their report on M547. Spock is alive.”

Scott swore loudly. “What the devil! I’ll have them rounded up in no time. And sir, when we get them, let me at them. They were my team. I certified them.”

“Thanks, Scotty. But this time, I get first crack at them. You can have what’s left over. Kirk out.”

Next, I ordered that the survivors be picked up from Outpost 8, high priority, before I turned my attention back to Spock.

“I don’t know what to say, commander. A grave injustice has been perpetrated on you and your crew. I...Spock... 

"Now I'm wondering about the attack on the Enterprise six months ago—whether the events are related. The four crewmen from security volunteered for rescue duty to bring your team back. That means they were still on duty here and had free access to all mission data.

"Oh my God! How could I be so oblivious? I know I was affected by the deaths of our landing party on M547, but how could I disregard such an important piece of information? I've suddenly remembered that when the Klingons attacked us and our shields were inoperable, Mr. Scott said something about sabotage. Since I didn't believe that possible, I completely dismissed any consideration of subterfuge.

"I need to interrogate them as soon as they're brought in and find out if this is some sort of conspiracy. The Klingons knew exactly where we were. They launched a cloaked attack and almost destroyed us. But I never could understand why they didn't finish us off. This may provide the answer. They had valuable spies on board.

"But I'll address that later. Spock! Are you all right? What actually happened down there on M547?”

“I am well, Jim, as is Lieutenant Saunders and our son, Surev. However, unfortunately, Lieutenants Randall, Rasulov, and Aliyev were killed instantly by the unexpected radiation blast. The RM levels were well beyond the parameters of our bio-suit rating. When Anne and I reached the Galileo, we launched in attempt to leave the vicinity of the heaviest concentration. But the shuttle's engines and thrusters were overcome and crashed mere miles away. We were seriously injured but survived.”

I gripped the arms of my chair so hard I was a little surprised my fingers did not snap. Behind me I heard the almost imperceptible gasp from Bones.

He knew. Bones knew.

And I—

“Back up, Spock. Your _son_? Did you say, ‘our son?’”

“Yes, Jim. As almost eight years ago you arranged to return me to Vulcan after you learned of my biology, my time fell upon me again approximately nine months ago. It is a complicated story, Captain, but as it turns out, I had developed emotions for Lieutenant Saunders, as she had for me. She agreed to be my mate and to bond with me, consequentially saving my life. And from that bonding, we have our son.”

And there it was. My answer. Any hope I’d ever had, which hadn’t been much, even before _all this_ was completely crushed as though underfoot.

How could I be anything but happy for them? She’d saved his life. Apparently in more ways than one.

Whatever I’d felt, what I still felt, would remain private. Held cherished to only myself.

As it should be. 

“Well, let me see him. See _them_. “

Anne Saunders stepped forward, looking pretty and perfect, with eyes glowing with love for her…husband. For Spock.

She held in her arms the most perfect infant boy.

“Hello, captain. Sir, I cannot tell you how glad Spock and I are to see you and learn you are alive. We had spent the entire year afraid the Enterprise and all the crew were lost when we could not reach you. This is our son, Surev Quinton Chandler S’chn T’gai. He was named in honor of the commander and doctor from the ship, _The Golden Knave_ , who rescued us from the planet and saved our baby’s life.”

I forced myself to smile. To put aside my despair, as a captain must.

“Lieutenant Saunders, your relief is only matched by mine. It is as though you have come back from the dead. I…I can’t believe you have a son. Surev is beautiful, just as his parents are. Is he okay? Healthy? Have you three received adequate medical attention? We'll have Dr. McCoy with an emergency team standing by when you arrive here at Yorktown.”

“We're fine now, Captain," she assured me. "But we've been through a lot—very intense at times. We have a very long and detailed report for you to read when we return."

“I can promise you both this. By the time you get here, the ones who falsified their report and caused us to abandon you both will be in custody and held on charges. If this is the far-reaching plot I suspect, these guys are responsible for the death of 47 good crewmembers in that Klingon attack on the ship, in addition to the three members of your landing party. Our ship was almost irreparably damaged, and we're fortunate any of us made it out alive."

“Captain,” Lieutenant Saunders asked, “Are Uhura, Christine, and Janice okay?”

“Yes, they made it out alive with some injuries. We’ll update you on details as soon as you get here. I can’t wait to read your reports. The transport has just commed me, and they’ll be there to pick you up within twelve hours. I wish we could come get you on the Enterprise, but it will be several weeks yet before she's space worthy. Let’s just get you here.”

I watched as Spock laid a hand on her shoulder, his gaze resting briefly on her and then their son before returning to me.

“Captain, as much as I am reluctant to end our transmission, I must. We have much to do before the transport gets here, and I must attempt to contact my parents, as Anne wishes to call hers.”

“Understood.”

Still Spock hesitated. He said nothing else, just stared at me.

Finally I cleared my throat, “It’s my suggestion that I contact your parents to inform them of the happy news. It’s likely to be less of a shock hearing from me first rather than directly from you.”

Spock nodded “I bow to your good judgment.”

“We’ll be in touch. Kirk out.”

Tears pricked my eyes. I blinked rapidly.

For what? A dream that was never mine to have? Just a foolish idea of something that wasn’t even true. And never would have been.

I was never going to get that life with Spock. The one that Anne Saunders now had.

“Jim,” Bones spoke from directly beside me. We were now alone in the room. His voice was so soft and gentle it was all I could do not to let the tears fall.

Tears for a life that was never mine.

“I’m okay, Bones.”

“The hell you are.”

“I’m—I’m absolutely thrilled that Spock’s alive. That they’re both alive. This is-is wonderful news.”

“Jim, I know this isn’t what you wanted. What you hoped for.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Bones. This is exactly what I hoped for. My two best friends by my side. What more could I ask for?”

“Jim—”

I forced the tears away with sheer willpower.

“And now it’s time to make those calls to Sarek and Amanda and Saunders’ family.”

“You want help?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I do. Stay here, with me, will you?”

He gave me a very brief hug, which surprised me. I patted his back and offered him a smile.

“Let’s get this done.”


	5. In Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AN: Heavy, heavy angst. Please take note.

And now, here I was standing before my dressing mirror, in the captain’s personal cabin aboard the Enterprise. Fists clenched at my side, fingernails digging in and out of my skin. I was blindly staring—almost pitying— the tormented soul who now stared back at me—the one with all the creases around his eyes, the furrows between his brows. The eyes that even now— _especially now_ —blurred with tears he fought valiantly but failed to hold back.

Is that who I was now? Is _he_ all that remains of the real me?

Standing in front of the mirror adjusting my dress uniform.

About to officiate the wedding between my first officer, Commander Spock, and his soon-to-be wife, Anne Saunders. Already his bondmate and the mother of his son.

What was I? Just his captain.

A friend, certainly. Hopefully. But no more.

Earlier that very day they’d beamed down to Vulcan to be officially and irrevocably bonded to each other. I had made my excuses, unable to bear the spectacle. I’d done that a lot lately.

The entire time Spock and his family had been on Yorktown, before the Enterprise had been recommissioned, I had done my best to avoid them. I tried not to be too obvious about it. Bones noticed, of course, but I doubted Spock did. So wrapped up with his family, how could he?

Men like me did not get to have a family and I had learned to accept that. But sometimes—

Now they would be returning to the Enterprise where I would marry them in the Terran way. And if that duty was among the most painful I have ever had, then I would endure. As I always did.

I stepped away from the unkind image of myself and went to the drawers attached to my wardrobe. I pulled the second one open and removed the science blue tunic I’d taken from Spock’s room so long ago now. I’d felt so lucky it had survived the Klingon attack. And now it was just a reminder of my own pain.

I walked it back through the bathroom that still connected our quarters and gained access to his room. He had not yet returned from the bonding ceremony. Bones had commed me a short time ago that they had taken the time to enter the ‘Claiming Chamber’, and wasn’t that just what I wanted to know, so I knew there was still time.

Returning the uniform shirt back to its rightful owner, I stepped back away from the wardrobe. I’d never had a right to claim it in the first place. It was better this way.

And if I had images of Anne Saunders wearing it to bed each night, well, I was good at self-torture.

 _This too shall pass_.

I exited his quarters for what would be the last time. There would be no more private chess games. No more late-night talks. It was off limits to me now. It had to be.

The chime on my door sounded.

“Enter.”

Bones stepped in, dressed in his own dress uniform, the blue matching his eyes perfectly. That made me smile. I needed to smile.

“Hey, Bones. Everyone coming back?”

“Yes, most of them. I slipped out a little early, when they…well.”

I nodded, moistening my lips. “I know. Was it nice?”

“You know those Vulcans.” Bones stepped close and adjusted my collar. “You look good.”

With a snort, I shook my head. “I look like hell. You don’t need to start lying to me, Bones.”

“Jim, don’t do this. Tell them you can’t. Say you’re sick. Say you’re busy with the admiralty. I don’t care what you have to say. But don’t do this to yourself. They’ll find somebody else.”

“I owe this to Spock,” I said softly.

“What do you owe to him? To torture yourself? Spock doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know—”

“Exactly. And he never _will_ know. I’m his friend. I’m his captain. I’m the one who does this, Bones. I have to. I’m no coward.”

Bones gave me a mulish look. “I don’t have to like it.”

I smiled. “No, you don’t. But it is what it is, Bones. What was the alternative? Spock still dead? I wouldn’t want that, and neither would you. I have what I need. My two best friends by my side. I’m content.”

He surprised me by the glistening of tears in his eyes, but he looked quickly away, and there was no doubt about it. I had never had a finer friend.

“Shall we?” I said to Bones.

He nodded. “I can’t wait to get to the reception. I definitely need a drink.”

****

I stood to the side of the rec room watching the happy couple dance with their son filled with warmth and love. I’d never seen Spock like this. And that was a dash of ice water in the face if nothing else had been.

I finished my drink and set it at a nearby table and after looking around, I saw that no one paid particular attention to me. Bones was over drinking with Scotty, who kept a keen eye on Uhura as she sang her love song for Spock and his wife.

Slipping out unnoticed, I left the reception and headed down the corridor to the turbolift.

“Bridge.” I pulled the lever.

I sighed in relief when the doors opened out onto my beloved bridge. Here at least nothing had changed. She looked exactly as she had before the Klingon attack.

The Klingons had been responsible not only for plans to destroy the Enterprise, but also for the disaster that had befallen the Galileo crew on M547. The planet had been rich in highly efficient clean fuel crystal deposits that would replace dilithium in the future.

It had been the Klingons who had placed the pulsating radiation bursts on M547 in the hopes it would keep others away. Luring the Enterprise there and arranging for the ultimate deaths of the away team practically ensured the Federation would quarantine M547 from further exploration and the Klingons would have free and exclusive use of the crystals there.

“Captain?” Sulu stood up from the captain’s chair. “I didn’t expect to see you so soon, sir.”

I smiled. “You’re relieved, Mister Sulu. Why don’t you go have some fun at the reception?”

“If you’re sure, sir.”

“I am. Go ahead. You’ve earned it.”

I waited until he had entered the turbolift before rubbing the back of my chair and slipping down into it. What with us orbiting Vulcan and the reception for Spock, it was just a bare crew on the bridge. I didn’t have it to myself, but it was a near thing.

Tugging at the collar of my dress uniform, I wondered why I hadn’t bothered to change out of it first. I didn’t bother now.

Now I could bask in my true love. She’d never let me down yet. We’d escaped the Klingons and lived to serve another day. Most of us anyway.

After all, what had really changed for me since the Galileo incident? Spock was once again my first officer and my science officer. I hadn’t had him as anything more than a friend and a fellow officer before and I didn’t now. It was simply the same.

The only difference was now Spock had a wife and son to spend his time with when he wasn’t on duty. A very small price to pay for having Spock alive again.

I’d told Bones I was content, and I was.

I was.


	6. Dream Warrior

I found them in the rec room, Lieutenant Saunders and her son, Surev, surrounded by her friends including Rand, Uhura and Chapel. Before I approached, I made sure there was no sign of Spock.

With a smile I walked over to them.

“Oh, Captain,” Saunders exclaimed. “Spock’s been looking for you.”

“I’ve been around.” I held out my arms toward the baby. “May I?”

“We should be getting back to duty anyway,” Uhura said. “Excuse us, Captain?”

I nodded as Saunders handed me her son and her friends left. I stared down at the little boy with the slightly pointed ears and I couldn’t help smiling.

“Aren’t you just the cutest thing?” I grabbed his little tiny hand and he wrapped it around my index finger. “I had a son,” I whispered. “But it didn’t work out between his mother and me and she took him away.”

“I-I’m sorry to hear that,” Saunders spoke up. “I didn’t know that.”

“No one does,” I admitted. “I’ve never told anyone. Sometimes life can change in an instant from what you expected. One incident can affect so many lives. I’m sure Spock would say it was fascinating.”

I brought him up close to myself. “May you never know hunger. And only love.”

And then I turned back and handed the baby back to his mother, Spock’s wife.

“Thank you. I hadn’t really gotten a chance to see him.”

“You’re always welcome, Captain.”

I nodded and smiled and excused myself before Spock thought to join his family.

I had a message to contact Bones, but the truth was I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone. Even my best friend. So I headed to my quarters with the idea of burying myself into a good book.

But when I attempted to pick up a book my vision swam on the blurry words and my head began to pound. I’d had a lot of inexplicable headaches lately. It was likely my eyes.

I closed the book and took it back to my book shelf, choosing to lay down instead. 

I’d barely laid my head down when someone buzzed for entry. I sat up, rubbing my eyes.

“Enter.”

Standing up, I headed to the synthesizer against my wall. “What can I get you, Bones?”

“I am not the doctor.”

I inwardly winced. Or at least I hoped it was inside.

“Mister Spock. What can I do for you?”

“I hoped to have a word with you, Captain.”

“Okay. Sure. We can go to the rec room.”

He was standing just inside the door, dressed in his science blues, and looking every bit as beautiful as ever. He hadn’t aged the way I had. Hadn’t put on any weight.

“I would prefer to speak in private, Captain.”

“About the crew?”

“Negative. About us.”

I smiled. “The command team.”

For the first time since he entered, he looked vaguely uncomfortable. “It is of a personal nature.”

“Ah.” I nodded and indicated the two chairs in my quarters. A new addition since the repairs done to the Enterprise. Much more comfortable than the prior ones had been. “Maybe we should sit?”

After a slight hesitation, he chose his chair and lowered himself into it.

I followed suit.

“It is about our bond.”

“Yours and Anne’s?”

Spock exhaled. “No, Jim. Yours and mine.”

For a long time I just stared at him, uncomprehendingly. “We…don’t have a bond.”

“We, in fact, do. It is an ancient revered bond among my people. There hasn’t been one in over a hundred years. It is a bond between two males. Two warriors. Brother, friend—”

“So we have some kind of brother bond?” I leaned forward. It made some sort of sense. We’d always been very close. I let it get further in my heart, but Spock had not. A brotherly bond explained that.

“Not only,” he said softly. “This kind of bond is not only about brotherhood and friendship.”

“What else then? And how did we come to have this bond if it hasn’t been known in over a hundred years?”

“It was always there between us. We would have been born with the possibility and it formed when we met and connected, Jim. I was unaware until T’Pau pulled me aside before I was to beam back aboard the Enterprise for our marriage ceremony.”

“Before?”

Spock nodded. “T’Pau advised she wanted to speak to me about my bond and I surmised she meant with Anne and then she explained she meant my T’hy’la bond.”

“Ta-eela?”

“T’hy’la,” he spoke in a reverent whisper. “I knew she must be wrong for how could a half-Vulcan such as I have anything like that. It is to be cherished above all others. It is not just a brother bond but a…romantic one.”

“A romantic one?” I know I sounded skeptical. Because I was. I shook my head. “Spock, we don’t have this bond. T’Pau was mistaken telling you that you had this bond with me.”

“She did not speak of you by name,” Spock replied.

“Oh.” I nodded. “Right. That makes more sense. Listen, Mister Spock, I don’t know who you have this-this sacred bond with, but it’s not with me. It’s probably with Anne.”

“It is not. As I told you T’Pau mentioned it is a separate bond and it is between males.”

“Well, then she’s either mistaken or it’s with someone other than me,” I insisted.

“She is not. At first, as I said, I doubted it myself but then as it had been discovered, I brought the bond forth in my mind and I discovered that it _did_ exist. With you.”

“Spock—”

“Jim, the headaches you’ve been experiencing, they are from the unfulfilled bond.”

“Well maybe…wait, how did you know about those?”

“I feel them too. And…Jim…I know of your unresolved feelings toward me.”

Shock coursed through me and I stood up, turning away from him. “Those are private feelings, Spock. Are you saying you invaded my privacy?”

“There is no privacy between bondmates.”

“The hell there isn’t! Who gave you the right to—”

“Captain—Jim, I share those feelings.”

I stopped, stared at him, mouth hanging open. “You what?”

“I have spent a lifetime hiding my feelings. And years hiding, suppressing, my feelings for you.” He clenched his hands together. “It is why my bond with T’Pring never felt right even before the blood fever when we fought. It is the reason for my desolation when I thought I’d killed you. Do you-do you know how many women I have seen you coveting while I suppressed my own emotions?”

“Spock.”

“Had I known, I would have…” He stopped.

“You would have what?”

“I would have claimed you as my mate long ago. What happened between Anne and I would never have happened had I already made the claim.”

I frowned. “And you would have died.”

He nodded slowly. “Yes.”

I wanted to deny it. Everything. It was not possible. If Spock and I had been linked this way, surely, we would have known.

“Because you are psi-null you would not be completely aware until the bond has been completed. And I was shielding.”

I found myself sinking back into my chair. I tried to examine my mind but other than the dull headache I felt, I felt nothing.

He rose then and came toward me. “If I may?”

Spock’s hand rose to my face. I licked my lips, hesitant, but at last I nodded my permission.

Images of all the times we melded, how our minds had always been reluctant to let go, flashed through our connection. I received Spock’s dismay at seeing me with Edith on the stairs. And Miramanee. How he held back. Allowed me to go on as before, despite his own deep feelings.

And then I saw his joy at his son. His confusion at learning we were T’hy’la. His acceptance.

Spock’s fingers slipped from my face. He was staring intently at me.

I swallowed heavily, closed my eyes and rose from my chair again. “I’m sorry, Spock.”

“I don’t understand.”

“We…this bond? It’s got to remain unfulfilled.”

“Jim—”

“Hear me out. It’s not about us anymore. You have a wife and a son. You love them, and they love you. Whatever we were supposed to be, well, we’re not now.” I turned away, unable to face him while I said this. “You once said to me that you would always be my friend. And that-that’s what I have to offer you now.” I turned and looked at him firmly. “I’ll always be your friend, Spock. But that’s all.”

“But I know that you—”

“I do, yes. And that’s why I can let you go. Be with Anne and Surev. Be with your wife, Spock. She needs you.”

I walked away, toward the other side of my quarters.

He didn’t say anything else and after a moment I heard the swish of the doors as they opened and closed behind him.

I bowed my head, forcing the tears from my eyes.

Never let it be said that James Tiberius Kirk could not be selfless. 


	7. Dream the Impossible

Over the next few days I did my best to ignore my first officer except for official business. I pretended not to see the fervent glances he threw my way.

But it was difficult.

I yearned for him, perhaps more than I ever had.

My feelings simply didn’t matter. I reminded myself of that repeatedly.

And if I left the bridge as soon as my shift was over, perhaps it could be said I was a coward after all. But I saw no good in rehashing a discussion of a bond that would never be completed between us.

I was even avoiding McCoy, because his gaze was too assessing, too knowing. And really, what could I say? Spock found out he and I had a bond but too bad, he’s bonded and married now?

When I reached my quarters, I selected a chicken sandwich from the synthesizer and sat down to eat it while I looked over the reports I’d received from the heads of my departments for my approval.

There was a dull ache in my head behind my eyes and I ignored that too. If it was the bond causing it, hopefully it would eventually fade.

About an hour into my work, someone came to my door. I suspected Bones, hoped it was not Spock, but it could have been anyone.

“Enter.”

When Anne walked in carrying Surev I couldn’t have been more startled.

“Lieutenant Commander.”

“I’m sorry to disturb you, Captain.” She smiled hesitantly. “And-and maybe I shouldn’t have brought Surev but—”

“No.” I smiled and came around my desk. “I love seeing him.” I reached for him and she willingly handed him over. My heart clenched as I looked down at Spock’s son. It was good that he got to know his child.

“Captain…Jim.” She stopped and wrung her hands together. “I don’t know you very well. You’re just the man everyone looks up to on the ship. Our commanding officer. Everyone admires you. Me included. But…Spock. It’s more than admiration for him.”

“Lieutenant Commander.”

“Anne. Please.”

“Anne,” I acknowledged. “I don’t know where this is going but—”

“I know. But if you’ll hear me out.” She touched the baby’s head. “Maybe I should have left Surev with one of the girls, but…he deserves to know you. To know both of you. I can’t think of any better role models than you and Spock.”

I shook my head, opening my mouth to say…I didn’t know.

Her gaze moved from her son to me.

“Spock loves you. So much. I feel it in him. He’s loved you for years and never ever thought you could be his.” She took a deep breath. “But you _are_ his. This bond you have with him is sacred. It is a gift. And I dare not interfere.”

“I don’t understand.”

Her eyes welled with tears. “I know you don’t. He’s hurting so much because you refused him. You refused the bond. And it’s because of me and I cannot bear that. You and he were meant to be, you always were. I don’t-I don’t regret being there to save his life. And I never will. I love him. I think you know that. I have my beautiful son because of him. And so many times on M547 we saved each other.”

“Anne—”

“Please. But if M547 never happened he would never have been with me. Never taken me as his bondmate and wife. I know that. You know that. He knows that. He loves me. I believe that. But it is not the love he has for you. The bond you two share is far more important to both of you than I ever could be. Don’t take that from him. I want nothing more than for Spock to be happy with you.”

“That’s not going to—”

“Jim. You don’t understand. He _needs_ you. God, you have no idea how much because he’s trying to hide it from you. But I do. The realization of having this bond with you is more precious to him than he could have ever hoped for.”

“He doesn’t regret you and Surev.”

“No,” she agreed. “Except that having us, hurt you. He would do anything not to have you hurt. And I understand that because I would do anything not to have him hurt. Please, Jim, open your heart to him. Open your mind. He deserves your love and you deserve his.” She looked at her son. “And our son deserves both of his…his fathers in his life.”

My eyes widened as I stared at her.

She gave me a watery smile and took her son back into her arms. “I hope you will give consideration to everything I have said, Jim. Goodnight.”

I watched dumbfounded as she left my quarters.

I had no idea what to do or think so I just stood in the middle of my quarters feeling…hopeless. Helpless.

Had she just told me to—

No. She couldn’t have.

But I was certain she had.

Tears pricked my eyes. And there I thought I was being selfless in letting Spock go. I didn’t want him to feel pain. I’d thought I was doing the right thing.

I didn’t like no-win scenarios. I didn’t like to lose. And yet…whatever happened, someone was going to get hurt.

I had intended it to be me.

And yet here was Anne Saunders telling me that her husband was meant to be with me.

How was I even supposed to process this?

“Jim?”

So wrapped up in my own thoughts, I hadn’t realized that Spock had come into my quarters through our shared bathroom.

Suddenly he was there in front of me, grabbing my biceps.

“Jim? What is wrong? I-I feel your pain.”

I closed my eyes, my hands moving up to cup his face. “Spock.”

“T’hy’la,” he whispered, softly, reverently. “Your unbearable pain.”

“No,” I denied, shaking my head, as I leaned against him. “It is bearable. I can’t-I can’t—”

And then somehow, I was kissing him, fastening my lips to his as though I had never kissed anyone as desperately.

I had not.

“Jim, Jim,” he moaned against my lips. “Please, T’hy’la.”

“What-what do we need to do?” I panted out.

“We need to claim each other,” he said in a gravely voice.

“Spock, I—”

He put his fingers to my face and suddenly our minds reached out for each other, yellow and red threads twining together, combining, becoming one. Sun, fire.

I was on the bed before I knew what was happening. Our clothes were scattered everywhere, and Spock was skin to skin with me. Our mouths fused together as though we never dared let go.

Somehow, he pushed a bottle of lube into my hands and I turned him over so that he was underneath me. My slicked fingers entered him, pressed in, spreading him. His eyes had turned so dark they were almost black. He was trembling. Or perhaps that was me.

It was Spock who rubbed the slick lube over my straining, hard cock. I closed my eyes to the incredible sensation of having his hands on me. I’d never even dreamed this could be real.

He turned onto his stomach and I entered him, thrusting inside him slow and deep, taking my time as my hand rested on his face as he had shown me.

His love and need for me overwhelmed me and pricked my eyes with tears. Why had we never known this? How had we not admitted this?

I slipped my hand underneath him to close my fist over his double-ridged Vulcan cock. It felt like slick steel as I ran my fingers up and down it. He bucked against me, moaning wildly.

The connected threads constricted, wound tighter, became one until all became a glowing gold. I felt Spock everywhere.

“T’hy’la,” I groaned, as I pumped my seed into him. His cock throbbed and pulsed in my hand until he too released.

I withdrew from him and he held me as we both laid still, until our breathing, our hearts quieted.

Perhaps an hour passed with no words before he hovered over me, using his fingers inside me, stroking my prostate until I was a whimpering mess. He pushed his cock into me, lifting my legs around me as he rode me to sweet oblivion. Claiming me as I had claimed him.

After, much later, as we’d given into our desire to copulate again, I lay across him, sweat slicked and sated.

“I love you.”

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, ashal-veh. My Sa-Telsu.”

“Spock,” I whispered. “Anne.”

For a long time, he did not respond. Then he said, “I will accept whatever you wish, Jim.”

I licked my dry lips. “She wants to stay on the Enterprise. Your son needs both of you.”

“Yes.”

I closed my eyes. “And she is your wife. You love her.”

“I do care for her a great deal, but we will both accept whatever your decision is. She has advised she would prefer her own quarters with our son.” Spock hesitated.

“What?”

“If you will allow it, she and Surev can occupy my former quarters and I can share these with you.”

I nodded, feeling a lump in my throat. “Whatever you want. I-I won’t stop you two from being together. I have no right to do that.”

“You have every right as my T’hy’la.”

“Still she had you first.”

“Negative, my Jim. You did. You have me always. I shall be and always have been yours.”

I managed a smile. “Well. Still. I want her to be happy. She saved you. How can I have a problem with that? You’re alive because of her. And your beautiful son. Whatever you decide about your arrangement with her, she can stay, as you say, in your former quarters.”

Spock held me tighter. “You are my miracle.”

I laughed. “Hmm. Believing in miracles is a Human thing, Spock.”

“Yes.”

I rose to lean over him, meeting his gaze. Our bond thrummed warm and glowing with contentment for both of us. I had never felt such happiness. And if not everything was as I would have wished, who was I to change it? Spock was alive, declaring amazing love for me, and we shared this wonderful bond, this connection that would not, could not be denied by either of us.

It never could have.

As Edith Keeler once said to us years ago, “You? At his side, as if you've always been there and always will.”

How right she’d been.

It would all work out. Whatever our future was. Because-

Because Spock and I were together.

As it should be.


	8. Epilogue: Requiem for a Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

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Dearest Surev, 

Even after all these years, it still fills me with wonder and awe to have you as my son. You’ve always been such a joy to your fathers and me. It’s been the greatest gift from God to have the privilege of watching you grow up into this outstanding man you’ve become—someone I’d enjoy knowing even if you weren’t family. 

What a blessed child you were, surrounded by the love and training of your grandparents and all those Enterprise godmothers and godfathers, just as you've been a miraculous blessing to each of us. You’ve brought honor to both your Vulcan and Terran heritage. 

Now that you have graduated top of your class from Starfleet Academy (and with Spock and Jim teasing you onward, how could you not be?) and a brilliant career awaits you as you take that huge step into your own station aboard our beloved Enterprise, I think now is the perfect time to share some truths with you—the part I've held back all these years. 

Your fathers always agreed to let me be the one to fill in the blanks someday when I felt the time was right. I probably would have told you a bit sooner, but you have been a very busy young man these past few years, with your training missions and Academy classes.

So grab some coffee, Baby, because I'm going to answer every question you've ever asked me all these years. 

(And yes, I can just see you rolling your eyes at me calling you Baby. Indulge your mother's heart, please, and just put up with my illogic, as you always have all your life.)

You already know that both your fathers were a big deal at the Academy. You've seen their portraits and plaques in the halls, you've seen labs and research wings named after them. There is even talk of someday commissioning a new starship named after them. Wouldn’t that be something? I’m sure on that day, Starfleet will bring you home to christen it!

And all that is wonderful, to be sure. They've both always deserved every honor they've received, and more. But much more than any professional tribute, you've seen the way they look at each other (even now, still, after all these years), and revere one another...and the way they look at you and love you. Of all the things that have brought me joy through the years, seeing the three of you sharing life together has been the greatest of all.

You and your sa-mekh have been the lights of my life. No mother could be prouder of her child.

My sa-fu, you already know the story of how your father and I were marooned on planet M547, and all that transpired there. How we both almost died at your birth. But there are other details you don't know, and more about those first years while we continued serving on the Enterprise after we were rescued. 

Spock and I spent that entire year believing Captain Kirk had been killed, along with our friends and crewmates. And Jim spent that year believing your sa-mekh was dead.  
  
A part of Jim died when he was told Spock was gone. He suffered, Surev; tormented, a lot of which was from regret, from never telling Spock he loved him. Your Uncle Leonard has shared with you a few stories of how awful that year was for Jim, and how he was bereft with your father missing from his side.

Did Jim ever tell you that he had taken one of your sa-mekh's science blues and often just wrapped himself in it, to feel closer to Spock? That broke my heart in two when I found out about it. That was about the only comfort Jim could find during that year. As we learned later, their unfulfilled T'hy'la bond was also torturing Jim, causing him headaches and even more heartache—he just didn't know about that part yet. The bond itself was aware that Spock still lived, but as a psi-null Human, Jim was totally blind to its existence, much less the truth it held. 

You've learned how sacred and rare the T'hy'la bond is. But I never told you how it changed everything for your sa-mekh, too. 

After T'Pau revealed to him that he, even as a half-blood, possessed this ancient, honored bond, it changed the way Vulcan society regarded Spock. He finally received the respect he had always deserved, where before he felt shunned and even mocked as inferior for his mixed heritage. 

A great blessing from that is how it paved the way for you, as a young man of both Human and Vulcan blood, to be given the chance to make your own way, not bullied as your father was for so much of his life.

Surev, your father and I spent the months waiting for your birth trying to prepare a home for you, a place of safety. I was so scared at first—scared you would be born and then something might happen to Spock and me, and you would be left alone. A helpless, innocent baby.

The truth turned out to be much worse than I could have dreamed. We didn't know it was all a huge lie—we didn't know about the Klingon conspiracy.

You’ve heard our stories about how Captain Chandler and Dr. Quinton saved both our lives by showing up right before your father was going to deliver you. But of all the horrible things we learned after being rescued, the truth about the conspiracy was the worst. Had we not been rescued, you and your father would not have survived for long anyway.

As soon as the Klingons would have returned to start their covert mining operations and discovered you and your father were alive, they would never have allowed the two of you to survive. Your father had no way to defend either of you against such forces.

Every single detail had to fall into place just perfectly to get you here, baby. You are a miracle child. You always were from the day we knew you existed.  
  
I loved you so much. I loved having you grow inside me. I used to talk to you all the time and read to you and sing before you were born. Your father and I used to play with you, when you would stick a foot or fist or elbow out and pushed against my skin. 

I never knew a person could indwell such happiness. Even though we were uncertain of our future, I was so deeply in love with your sa-mekh; and with you on the way, I thought I would burst from such love and joy.

Surev, your sa-mekh was wonderful to me. He spoiled me and loved me. Never doubt, my son, that Spock gave me the greatest gifts I could ever receive—his regard and protection, and you. I knew more happiness in that one year than many ever get to know in a lifetime. (By the way, son; sometime, ask your sa-mekh to tell you about diapers—if he will!) 

I have wrapped myself inside the memories of that tragic but glorious year on M547, just as Jim used to wrap himself inside Spock's science uniform. Spock was everything I ever wanted in life.  
  
It was hard on my heart to push Jim and him together. The only thing harder than seeing the love of my life go to Jim was seeing the result of Jim rejecting Spock. They both were suffering, sacrificing so much.

Of course, I wanted Spock with me all my life. But there was not going to be a solution to the mess we had gotten ourselves into that didn't leave someone longing.

Laugh at me all you wish, son, but in this instance, it was, I admit, logic that I had to turn to, to give me the only possible solution, and to give me the strength to go through with it.

Promise never to tell your dads, but just between you and me, I would never have survived all of this without logic. It was like a math equation, an engineering solution. 

None of us were to blame for this. None of us did anything wrong. But had it not all happened just as it did, we would not have you. And my child, that is just not acceptable. All three of us agree—if we had to go through all we experienced just to get you here, it was worth it for all of us. 

It of course drove your dad craziest of all. You know how Jim loves beating that no-win scenario. You and I have kidded about that many times through the years. He's so cute about it—his little Kobayashi Maru conquering self.

Although I truly hope that attitude has rubbed off on you, Surev. I hope your dad's positive approach and never-give-up attitude will make you the officer—and someday the captain of your own starship—that Jim has been. He's the best that ever was, and you've been so lucky and blessed to have him as your dad.  
  
Son—I dare you to do better! If anyone can, YOU can. 

Speaking of that, Surev, I know Jim finally told you about his son, David, and that situation. I believe he ached to know David and love him. But since he couldn't be with him, he took all that love he would have given David, and all the love he had for you, and just wrapped you inside it. 

From the time Jim began thinking of you as his own son, he would bring you to the bridge between missions and carry you around to everyone's post, showing you off to the crew. He would take you up to the viewscreen and point out stars and teach you their names. When you were a little older, he would set you in the captain's chair and let you pretend to give orders to Sulu and Chekov, who hid their smiles and played their parts so seriously.  
  
You would sit in Uhura's chair as she let you listen to her earpiece and pretend Starfleet was hailing you with new orders. Jim called you his "little captain" and taught you everything he knew, whether you could comprehend it or not. He's always been so proud to consider you his son.

Jim has been good for you, but Surev, you will never know how good you have been for Jim. He couldn't love you more if his blood flowed through your veins. After Jim knew your dad was alive, you and your father brought a life, a lightness, a youth to Jim that no one could ever have imagined. He was a changed man, a gloriously happy, changed man—and so much of that is because of you. 

You've seen the holos that your sa'mekh'al took of Spock and Jim at their bonding ceremony on Vulcan. I held you, as we watched your two fathers be blessed and their T'hy'la bond fulfilled. I've loved your father with all my heart. But I've never seen the look on any face as your fathers had for each other that day. The joy and love. It was so obviously meant to be. It was the only decision we could have made. And in that moment, their happiness burst through the bond your father and I still shared, allowing me inside for just a moment to see the rightness and splendor of their joining.

But I never told you, baby. While we were there, I saw a Vulcan healer and had my bond with your father dissolved. It did hurt your father some, but his T'hy'la bond with Jim was so vibrant, Jim easily helped Spock through it. It was a bit rough on me, too. But Surev, it just had to be. Your father and Jim were always meant to be together. It simply was the only way.

But your father and I remained married. I was never going to marry anyone else, and the T'hy'la bond was so fulfilling, neither Jim nor your father felt they needed a human marriage contract. What they already had was so much beyond that. Seeing the two of them so gloriously happy and seeing how you and Jim grew to love each other so much, always made me know that it was the right decision.  
  
It really was the no-win scenario. Nobody completely won. But at least none of the three of us lost, either. We all focused our hearts on you. 

Okay, baby, here is the big secret you don't know. When you were two years old, your fathers and your Uncle Leonard and I made up a diplomatic landing party to Mochilles Luanov, where we were to join their Prime Minister and entourage for very routine meetings and a state dinner. 

But while we were there, their military attempted to stage a coup to overthrow their fledgling government, and even though we were bystanders, we came under attack as well.

Surev, Jim saved my life in that attack. He was closer to me than your sa-mekh, and without even a second of hesitation, he sacrificed his own safety to protect me from one of their officers who had me in his sites. Jim saved me, and Spock saved Jim, all the result of Jim’s initial reactions.

Baby, I was an officer myself. The responsibility for my safety was first and foremost my own. Jim could have turned his attention solely to his bondmate first, and Jim would have had your father to himself from then on. But, my son, I saw Jim's face. He was as passionately saving me as he would have been saving your father or even you. There was never a second of doubt that your dad was unquestioningly willing to die for me, too.

The three of us and Dr. McCoy agreed to keep this scenario to ourselves. Only Starfleet knew the truth in Jim's report.

My love, any of the three of us would gladly, without hesitation, give our lives for each other, and for you. That was who we always were and always will be. Both of your fathers are upstanding, loyal men who have no comparison anywhere.

And now, as you travel out into the universe serving on Jim’s lady, the best ship ever in the fleet, and I go to join your Grandfather Sarek’s ambassadorial entourage, I take you with me in my heart, as I take your sa-mekh always.

I love you, my son, more than anything this universe has ever known. You will always have a proud mother.

Live long and prosper, Lieutenant Surev. May God protect you and keep you, may you always feel His warmth and love, as He introduces you to the Universe. (And the Universe better watch out!)

And don’t forget to write your mom once in awhile, all right?

All my love, XOXO  
(yes, I see you blushing)

Your always adoring Mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> _Beautiful artwork used by special permission of amazing artist, Karracaz_  
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>  _Thank you for reading. This story is my human heart, my human soul. This is who I am._  
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> **sa-mekh: father**  
>  **sa-fu: son**  
>  **sa'mekh'al: grandfather  
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